JOEY HAN - CLASS OF 2017 & BROOKE BAZARIAN - CLASS OF 2016 Are you a student in FHS, and feel there’s something lacking in your life? You want to be different from the crowd, but at the same time be just like everyone else? Want to simply seem quirky and unique? Then this is the guide for you. With only 5 steps you can become a certified, genuine, and bonafide HIPSTER. Step 1: GLASSES All hipsters need glasses. Heck, you can see perfectly, but that doesn’t mean diddly squat as far as I’m concerned. It’s all about building up the image! If you don’t need ‘em, just punch out the glass, no one will ever know. If you do need glasses, lucky coincidence! Either way, the glasses can’t just be any piece of rimless crap you pick up at the ophthalmologist's office. That defeats the purpose! Think THICK and DARK. If you want, you could throw in a little Alex Levy action and have them decorative, but then you just risk looking like a loser. Step 2: CAMERAS Into photography? I don’t care, you will be now. The next step is to buy a Polaroid camera. It doesn’t matter if it works, just make sure to ALWAYS walk around with it. Pretend you’re taking photos with it all the time. Set your profile picture and your cover photo as pictures of you taking photos of whoever’s taking the photo of you. Step 3: UKULELE Ever notice how all hipsters claim to play ukulele, post pictures of themselves holding ukes or carry their ukuleles around school? That needs to be you. First, buy a cheap ukulele off eBay. Next, learn to play Over the Rainbow and Hey Soul Sister (that’s all you really need, don’t waste your time with anything more.) Finally, walk around carrying your uke, not in a case, but in your hand, to show the world just how cool and unique you are. Step 4: DRINKS You want to aspire to be one of those people that walks around, coolly sipping hot tea or dark coffee from a thermos. You also want to be one of those people that knows a lot about tea and coffee. Let’s start with tea. In my opinion, there are three tiers of teadom:
Hardcore Hipster Tip: Pour the home-brew into a syringe and inject that lovely tea-leaf concentrate into your bloodstream. Okay, now on to coffee. Coffee has a slightly more acquired taste than does tea, and it’s high caffeine content requires drinkers to regulate it in such a way that they maintain a perfectly unmoved and sleepy disposition, without losing their cool and becoming too jittery. Here are the three tiers of coffeedom:
Hardcore Hipster Tip: Dunkin’ Donuts coffee is not coffee. It is coffee flavored water. Steer clear. Step 5: MUSIC Ever heard of “Bovine Calamari”? How about the “Neon Organ Donors”, “Existential Okapi” or the “Cerulean Swordfish”? Neither have I, I just made them up on the spot. That’s the magic of being a music-loving hipster. You have to show the world how obscure the bands you listen to are. So obscure that you can make them up, and no one will know the difference! Step 6: FASHION So much of a hipster’s apathetic persona must be portrayed through his or her clothing. With the right outfits, hipsters can express which bands they like, the fact that they’re gritty enough to shop at thrift stores, or even their willingness to dig deep enough into their Dad’s closet that they find the perfect 80’s jean jacket or grandpa sweater. What the rest of the world doesn’t know is that they actually just bought all of it at Urban Outfitters. Some easy-to-find, must-have pieces for any hipster include beanies, flannel, crop tops, scarves, grandparent sweaters, weird demin (it has to be either ripped, too tight, too loose, vintage, high-waisted, acid-washed, or made by Levis.) If you’re a little more adventurous, you can delve deeper into the time machine and find some anachronistic clothing, such as suspenders, old fisherman’s sweaters, bowties, or button-down t-shirts that are buttoned all the way up to the neck (we’re lookin’ at you, Quinn Waites.) I don’t care if they’re uncomfy or unnecessary, they’re essential to your entire hipster look. You may be thinking “where on Earth am I going to find all this stuff??” Well, since you asked, here’s a shopping guide that will take you through every chain store and thrift shop in one of the world’s best hipster hubs: Portland, Maine. As I mentioned before, you really can’t go wrong with Urban Outfitters. It gets that not everybody has the time to find clothes that are ACTUALLY vintage, so it brings them to you for only $69.99 a piece. American Apparel is another great chain store option, if you’re looking for regular t-shirts that have enormous holes cut out of them, or, you know, a unitard. As for thrift shops, some of Portland’s best include Find, Goodwill, or Salvation Army (AKA Salvo.) All of these places are one-stop-shops that will get you on your way to looking like a REAL LIVE HIPSTER. P.S. Beards are cool. Hardcore Hipster Tip: Throw all this advice out the window and make your own clothes. Good luck to you. I’m impressed. Congratulations. You are officially a hipster. The final step is of utmost importance: NEVER admit that you are a hipster. No hipster wants to appear fake! If ever accused of being hipster, keep your cool and say “Nah, I’m just being myself." To learn about the evolution of the hipster, check out Paste Magazine's informative article. Or take this extremely important non time-wasting Buzzfeed quiz: How Hipster Are You?
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